I’m journeying back to find that place. The place where my mama spirit burst open and showed me the courage, the power, the truth that is me. Pieces of me that I hoped were there but never fully knew until one day a few Aprils ago.
I came upon a time in my life where I felt both more empowered than ever before and more out of control than ever before, and it taught me to trust myself, listen to myself, and understand myself in new ways.
During this time, I never doubted – not once, that I was exactly who I needed to be in this moment of my life. I felt secure in the choices that I made, confident, radiant, and in my element so completely. Others may have doubted for me (I know some did) and others were rocks of support.
What was most important was that no matter what I faced, I did not doubt myself.
This was a new feeling to me. Throughout my life, I had doubted.
- Doubted the work I was doing in school.
- Doubted that I took the right path in college, and in choice of jobs after I graduated.
- Doubted that I was going to “figure my life out” and be able to live feeling happy and fulfilled with the work I would do.
- Doubted that I could trust another so deeply so as to have a long lasting, committed relationship.
I doubted myself deeply.
This place in my life that brought me to my center, that helped me look inward and see who I truly was at my core, no longer surrounded by all the negative talk I often gave myself, was one of the greatest gifts of my life.
This time of feeling so connected to my mama spirit receded and opened space for my self-doubting tendencies to return. “No,” I thought to myself, this is not what I want. I want my life to be full of courage, love, and self-trust. Knowing that it had found me once, I was sure it could find me again, and I began to search.
Searching often takes us on many journeys that are not our intended path.
- When I met Jon, the love of my life for the past 12 years, I was not searching.
- When I found what I feel is becoming my life’s work, I was not searching.
- When I found my mama spirit, I was not searching.
Once again, I discovered that my mama spirit would have to find me, and it would not likely appear when I was waiting, looking, searching.
I came to realize that mama spirit is always there, whether I see her, am in tune with her, or not.
- She is there in the whisper of happiness.
- She is there in restful, peaceful sleep.
- She is there amidst a tickle fight full of joyous laughter.
- She is there in my heart, always.
In stillness, in quiet, in those moments of not searching, she finds her way back to me, giving me the courage to connect to the truth that is me.
Peace, Love, and Wellness,
This post was originally featured on Where the Spirited Women Gather